Boys and Girls
by Wends
Summary: Discover what the secondary party was really up to in Ultimecia's castle. tripeish challenge fic.  rated for curse words and suggestive scenes, including but not limited to pillow fights in underwear


Disclaimer: I in no way own Final Fantasy VIII (or Avenue Q – see if you can find that one. Hah!). Don't sue; I'm simply an E6 in the USN, therefore I have no money. Ha.

A/N: Inspiration for this fic came from many different sources. First and foremost, I have to thank my friend Ava. If it weren't for her wanting to see the storyline behind FF8 (and thereby making me replay FF8 in its entirety once again), I wouldn't have (a) wasted hours of my life dicking around with that game again, and (b) wouldn't have heard her rather tantalizing statement of 'gee, wonder what the girls are doing during all of this?' That statement rose during the raid on Ultimecia's castle – my habit of throwing girls and boys into segregated parties (can always get the Rosetta Stone that way) when playing that part of the game gave birth to it. Secondly, I have to thank work for frying my brain – if my mental facilities were still intact, I would have started working on my fic 'Behind Closed Doors' instead of this. But seeing as how I have all of the thinking capacity of an inebriated gerbil right now, I can't plot worth beans – thusly my other fic is on a very temporary hold and I am typing nonsense. And last but not least, I have to thank Square – if they made regulated parties during the final part of FF8, this bit of lunacy would never have come to mind.

_-BEGIN FIC-_

It sprang with ominous force from the hovering stone upon which it sat. Towering walls looming far into the heavens, the black castle pressed itself upon the sky, blotting any vision of comforting stars or moon's light. Gargoyles perched high above, their stone claws sinking into stone and open maws roaring in silent threat. Sweeping wings hovered motionlessly, springing from stretching towers and precariously placed monstrous statues. The soft rumble of a falling stone resounded sharply in the air, accompanied by the gentle creaking of floating foundation waging its unending war against the huge chain that tethered it in place, precluding the conclusion of its journey.

Lightning crashed across the sky, multitudes of electrical blue fingers arching through the heavens and lighting cloud after cloud. Moments later the peel of horrendously loud thunder boomed across the landscape, rattling the floating castle and shaking the small gathering of people that bravely stood upon that huge structure's crumbling doorsteps.

Squall Leonhart blinked, his face a vision of complete calm as he stared at the household of the world's ultimate nemesis, Sorceress Ultimecia. Gray eyes slowly let their intense gaze rove over crumbling stone walls and huge flying buttresses set upon hovering ground incapable of supporting even the most simple of plant life. Clenching his thin fingers in his leather gloves towards his palms, fisting both hands so tightly the sheaths they were encased in audibly creaked, he finished sweeping his view over the top of the castle, towards the looming clock tower that dominated its precipice. There, the lightning that raced its eternal paths through the skies seemed to congregate, raining sparking promises of terror to those who would venture to their contact point between heaven and earth.

With the poise and prose of a born leader, Squall's voice was as crisp as his infallible posture and his rigid stance as he barked to his comrades, "Let's get going."

Rinoa Heartilly clenched her small hands to her bosom. While the prospect of entering the looming structure terrified her, she couldn't bring herself to defy Squall whenever he spoke like that. He was just… so cool!

A shout of "Woo hoo! Let's kick her scrawny Sorceress butt!" burst from Selphie Tilmitt as she jumped into the air and thrust her fist over her head.

Already having dashed ahead and set his shoulder to the massive doors before them, shoving at them with all of his considerable strength, Zell Dincht granted his brunette flail-flinging friend a wide grin even as he convinced that huge, looming barricade that stood against him to creak loudly and begin to slide out of his way.

Straightening her own posture, Quistis Trepe calmly wrapped her whip about her hands and steeled herself for what might possibly lay ahead. With calm typically reserved for that first day of dealing with new, overly rowdy students or prospective Trepies hanging from ceiling fans and snapping photos of her with cheap digital cameras, she strode forth to stand at Squall's side and firmly nod. "On then," she stated, her smooth and sultry tone adding charisma to the bitten command the youthful leader had all but snarled earlier.

As Zell cheered and dashed into the giant complex with Selphie whooping and hollering at his heels, Quistis lightly set a calming hand on the nervous young Sorceress' shoulder and urged her inside. Squall was left watching as three of his forgotten childhood friends, his Timber-based client and the border collie that insisted on marking his motorcycle boots as its private urinal entered the dark, foreboding interior of the magnificent structure, the motion of their feet causing the thick mists that oozed forth from the precipice of the stairway to roil.

He watched the clock tower, staring at the hands on the giant time-tracking machine. A few minutes of watching, confirmed by swift glances at the wristwatch he wore under the protective covering of his thick leather bomber jacket's sleeves, confirmed that it wasn't operating any longer.

A hefty sigh rattled free of the gunblader's lungs.

"Kinneas, stop dicking with that thing."

Irvine Kinneas pulled his fingers away from the glowing, whirling orb that sat at the foot of the dark stairway. "But a guy never knows when something like this could come in useful."

"You don't even know what it is."

"Eh, details. I'm trying to figure it out, Squall."

"In, before I Eden your ass."

"Fine, fine!"

---)))000(((---

"Yo, Ifrit just told me that thing's known as a 'save point.' Don't you think we should investigate it further? Maybe figure out how to use it?" Irvine said even as he nearly crashed into his leather-clad leader who'd just pulled to an unexpected stop before him.

Lifting a hand to lightly pinch at his nose, Squall huffed. "A 'save point.' What, so when we die facing Ultimecia, we instantly reappear on the staircase? This isn't a video game, you know."

Scratching his chin, the sniper nodded. "You're right. Does sound a bit farfetched."

---)))000(((---

They all stood within the confines of the overwhelming foyer, staring with apprehension at the looming stairs, the giant double doors, and the huge monster that was perched at the top of the foyer's rising steps.

The chilling profession that their powers had been sealed upon entering the castle still sat heavily upon their minds.

"Run a check while it's ignoring us," Squall quietly ordered. "Let's see what we can't utilize."

Selphie was the first to whimper a report. "Doomy said he can't make it. Something about Ultimecia locking him into the tea-room with Tonberry and him being unable to grab his mug with his lack of hands."

"Dagnabit!" Irvine swore loudly. "How the hell am I gonna get to my 'Girl Next Door' issues if I can't use the item ability?" he screamed as he threw his hat firmly onto the ground.

As he scrambled to pick it up before any harm could come to his most precious possession, Quistis sighed and shook her head. "No ability to cast magic. But I still have my junctions in place – I can feel Holy tethered to my body, even now."

Rinoa piped up next with a shake of her head. "Alexander says his abilities are locked from me. I can't Revive. And… he says that any attempt to resurrect anyone, whether by item or magic, will fail under Ultimecia's powerful cover."

Squall nodded slowly. "Thought as much. Shiva says I can't draw anything for now."

Zell wistfully scratched his chin. "Cerberus is barking that I wouldn't be able to perform Duel with any grace right now. WHAT?! But I train on that constantly! Aw man! How can she lock away something I practice daily?"

"Irregardless. That voice professed that our abilities are locked by Ultimecia's servants. Just means we've got to find them and crush them until we can undo the damage she's done," Squall blandly sighed.

"Right," Quistis confirmed. "Good assessment of the situation. I'm so proud of you! Finally I'm beginning to see the genius of my student."

As Rinoa stared with wide eyes while Quistis burbled and patted Squall's head, Zell brought the party back to attention by loudly asking, "So, who's gonna go smash that thing?"

"You are," Squall answered.

"WHA!"

"And I'll be with you," the leather-clad SeeD amended a second later. "Kinneas makes the third."

"Oh for Hyne's sake! Why me? Don't'cha think the ladies here will need something to defend them from all the nasties that're sure to be in this place? I swear I saw Creeps scatter the moment we set foot in here."

As Rinoa elbowed Irvine for daring to loop his arm around her in a pseudo-hug that was a cover for getting in a good feel of a breast and Selphie screamed and mashed his head firmly in with the heavy end of her Strange Vision flail, Squall glowered. "You're with me. No questions about that."

"How 'bout we take Rinoa instead?" Zell whined, kicking at the ground.

"Irvine's with us," Squall huffed, glaring at the spiky-haired blond. "End of discussion. I want the firepower he can provide us."

Sighing, Rinoa hung her head. "I guess that's alright. I mean, who knows what would happen if I were to…."

Walking to her, Squall awkwardly wrapped his arms around her, the gesture still quite unfamiliar and odd to him. A few moments passed before he finally relaxed and pressed her more closely to his own body, burying his nose in her hair. "I don't want you to be in danger. It's not that I don't trust you. I want you to stay safe."

"Well, if we're gonna go," Zell began, punching his palm with a balled fist, "I guess we'd better get all the GFs."

"Right," Quistis sighed.

A few squabbles and shouts of "Hey, _I_ get Bahamut, not Zell! Bahamut hates Zell!" later, the three young men were growling at one another even as they rearranged their junctions to taste.

"Ready?" Squall asked after a few moments.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Irvine sighed as he loaded Exeter. "I still say we ought to figure out that 'save point' thing."

"WOO! Let's kick ass!" Zell shouted even as he dashed up the stairs.

---)))000(((---

"Huh. That was easier than I expected," Zell idly commented as he wiped his gore-coated hands on his jean shorts.

Even as Zell scowled and cried out 'ew, gross!' in response to the smears sprawling across his legs while shaking his hands violently, Irvine shook his head and sneered. "Might have somethin' to do with the fact that Brothers and Ultima make you a wrecking ball with bad hair."

"What're you sayin', huh?" Zell exclaimed, shaking his fist threateningly at the long-haired sharpshooter, punching at the air around Irvine's hat as the violet-eyed teen just chuckled and shook his head.

"Shut up and walk," Squall sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a glove-covered finger, idly tracing the scar that slashed across his face.

As a disembodied voice floated around them, all six persons in the foyer stared at the ceiling.

"Release which seal?" it calmly intoned.

"WOAH! THE HELL!"

"Hey! Maybe that voice is a gift from the fairies!"

"Selphie, that's silly! Tee hee!"

"Calm yourselves, ladies."

"Where is it? Lemme at it! I'll shoot it right outta-"

"Guardian Forces."

A collective exclamation of 'huh?' was directed by five voices simultaneously, Squall standing in the center of that ring of vocalizations.

"We're releasing the seal on Guardian Forces. Summon will be the most useful ability we have."

"Oh," Zell muttered, his shoulders slumping slightly.

"On to the next servant of Ultimecia. Dincht, Kinneas, move."

---)))000(((---

"Because you see, if it were me… I'd feel free to say-"

"Dincht, if you don't shut it, I'm going to shove Exeter in a censored portion of your anatomy and pull the trigger."

"What, does that song offend you or something? Ha! Too personal?"

"You're a dead man after we're done with this Sorceress, chickenwuss."

"Don't you call me that, damn it!"

Squall blinked, his seemingly innate ability to ignore the world serving him beautifully as he tuned out the bickering of his companions and set his focus instead on the room they'd discovered laid beyond the huge double doors that beckoned to them from the top of the foyer stairs.

'Hm. So the walkway around this room is demolished. A set of double doors across the room. How do we reach the room behind them? Maybe we can cross over the chandelier?'

Stepping carefully forward, he toed the dangling lighting fixture. His brow furrowed as he watched it lightly sway, its motion forced into existence by his action.

Fighting away the uncharacteristic beads of sweat that threatened to appear on his brow, Squall ventured oh so carefully out onto the hanging device. He swallowed down the lump that threatened to close off his throat and stifle his ability to breathe.

Zell and Irvine noticed that Squall had moved and immediately dashed to their leader's side.

The chandelier landed with a resounding crash, accompanied by screams of terror and the bang of an accidentally discharged shotgun.

---)))000(((---

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what, Rinoa?" Selphie asked as she leaned forward, her tiny fists resting on her knees as she verily bounced her bottom on her heels while a wide grin took her cherubic face.

Chewing lightly on her lip, Rinoa dug her fingers more deeply into Angelo's fur as her brows knitted. "I thought I'd heard something bang from where Squall and the others went."

Rolling her eyes, Quistis pulled her glasses from her face and sighed. "I didn't hear anything. And even if something is happening up there, I'm certain that they can handle it. After all, they've got all of the Guardian Forces. They're trained SeeDs, Rinoa. They'll be fine."

As Angelo whined and rested his head on his paws, Rinoa smiled and nodded. "You're right, Quistis. I should have faith in Squall."

Nodding happily, Selphie giggled. "No reason to worry at all! They'll be just fine. Now tell me! How do you like this color?"

Cocking her head, she looked at the tiny bottle the young brunette SeeD had dug out of the tiny pocket in the front of her coveralls. "Hm. You think that color of pink will clash with my outfit?"

Kneeling with the other two girls on the cold stone floor, Quistis shook her head. "I don't think so. It just looks that way because of the green light reflecting off of it."

"What _is_ that green circle light thing, anyway?" Selphie questioned, chewing on the tip of her pinky.

Shrugging, Quistis smiled. "Why worry about it? We've got more important things to deal with."

"Right!" Rinoa squealed with joy as she wrenched her hands away from Angelo and offered them to Selphie.

"First coat of nail polish coming right up!"

---)))000(((---

Panting, Irvine wiped sweat and green slime from his forehead. "Whose grand idea was it to stick an electrified bug in the wine cellar?"

"Man, this Sorceress has something seriously wrong with her head," Zell moaned as he sat down on the stairs, trying desperately to get his hair to reconfigure itself in its carefully stylized arrangement.

"Amazing."

"What, Squall?" Zell questioned, his eyes big.

"That you actually try for that affect."

"Hey! That's mean, you ass!"

Irvine chuckled madly, before looking wildly around the room as the eerie disembodied voice once again asked 'release which seal?' "Eh, Squall. That voice again."

"Command abilities."

"Oh, c'mon!" Zell whined as he squirmed on the stair he sat on. "I wanna be able to Duel these damned monsters!"

"Later," Squall huffed. "I'd rather have the ability to restore and devour. And resurrect you morons. And throw items at you."

"So the great commander speaketh, and so it shall be," Irvine said reverently, taking his hat off his head and holding it over his heart. "Let us give our thanks and praise for his fine leadership."

"Shut up."

Zell sighed, his shoulders slumping as he rose from his seat. Popping his neck with a sharp fling of his head from left to right, he punched idly at the air before marching up the stairs.

"Would'ja look at him," Irvine said with a nod in Zell's direction.

With an idle shrug, Squall walked after him. "He's got the right idea. We can't sit here with that giant bug's body forever. Move."

"Right, right," Irvine huffed as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

---)))000(((---

"There _has_ to be a way to get over there! We just have to figure it out!"

"Keep reiterating the obvious and I'll hurt you."

"Geez, getting violent, are we?"

"Kinneas, quiet. Or you get to see violent."

Rinoa blinked, her eyes widening. "That's Squall's voice!"

"And Irvy Kinnypoo!" Selphie exclaimed, hopping brightly to her feet. "Where the heck are their voices coming from?"

Quistis stared owlishly. "The green light, believe it or not. I guess we just found out its purpose."

"Squall!" Rinoa squealed with delight as she verily launched herself from her seat on the floor and dashed as swiftly as she could on all fours to the glowing emerald circle on the floor. Shoving her face over it, she smiled brilliantly and laughed. "Squall, we can hear you!"

"… Wait. Irvine, shut up. Rinoa?"

"Yes!" she brightly chirped as she curled her hands together, completely destroying the carefully applied coat of nail polish Selphie had recently finished, much to the brunette SeeD's consternation. "I'm right here, Squall!"

"Where would 'here' be, Rinoa?" the bitter young commander's tone thinly wheezed over the strangely lit connection.

"By the front door. That green glowing thing is… well, I can hear you through it," she meekly replied.

"We haven't moved from the position you ordered us to keep, Squall," Quistis keyed in over Rinoa's shoulder.

"Ah. Go through the door we went through and jump on the chandelier."

"What?" Rinoa questioned, her brows arching towards her hairline.

"Right-o, Squallers!" Selphie brightly replied, springing to her feet and offering an impromptu salute to the glowing green light on the floor right before grabbing Quistis' elbow and attempting to drag her up the stairs.

"Um, we'll be right there, Squall!" Rinoa hurriedly told the young man on the other end of the mystic communications line before scurrying off after her companions.

---)))000(((---

"Squall, tell me that's not a batch of mesmerizes tromping towards us," Irvine groaned with a sigh.

"Sure looks that way," the leather-clad SeeD replied.

Taking quick aim, the sharpshooter fired three times. Three bodies hit the floor.

Zell shook his head as he nudged another errantly flung monstrous body part with his toe. "She sure stocked up for our visit, neh?"

'It's as if she realized we were coming. Of course, why wouldn't she? She's a Sorceress. A being capable of compressing all time into one moment, merging past and present and future into one singular entity. Capable of creating an event that will destroy not only civilization and life, but existence as we know it. She's likely already seen our arrival. She's likely already seen our battle. She likely already knows the outcome of our encounter. So of course she'll have 'stocked up.' She'll want us dead before we ever have the opportunity to face her.

'And who's to say that we'd win, even if we had the opportunity to cross her path? To battle with her? The ultimate Sorceress. One so haughty and certain of her powers, one so unbelievably strong as to be capable of manipulating time itself. One who goes so far as to name herself Ultimecia.

'After all, who would name their kid Ultimecia?

'Probably the same kind of people who'd name their kid 'Squall,' but that's rather beside the point.

'Who could even determine if we're destined to meet her at all? Who's to clearly say that we won't die? That we won't be absorbed into the time stream?

'What if the next monster's a malboro? What if we can't escape before it breaths on us? What if I kill everyone, then get turned to stone? What if _that's_ our destiny, and she has all these monsters stocked to wear us down before we meet her champion?

'Why not just finish with time compression? Why not tell herself in the future that we're here at this time, and do whatever's necessary to complete her task? Remove herself from time so she can finish and destroy us all?

'If she's incapable… that's the entire premises of us being here. That she can't yet. But we had to time compress to get here….

'It's like one big manic time loop that doesn't make any logical sense.

'Like a plot in a video game. Or a b-rate TimberWood movie.

'Or she's just allowing this entire thing to play out because it'll be satisfying for her to kick the ever-livid crap out of us after we've been smashed to pieces by monster after monster.

'That's probably it.

'She's crafty. She's not to be underestimated.'

All that made it through Squall's lips was, "We've got to find her!" as he flung his arm errantly to his side.

Zell and Irvine stared at him blankly.

---)))000(((---

Quistis glanced around, her crystalline eyes taking in the scenery. "Squall and his ridiculous ideas. Jump on the chandelier. I wonder if he knew it was going to crash like that."

Rinoa sniffed softly, staring at her hand. "I chipped a nail."

"Oh, you poor thing," Selphie empathized, gently taking the abused digits of her friend into her own hand and patting them lightly.

Sighing, Quistis shook her head. "We'll have to punish him for that pointless suggestion later. We've got to figure out why Squall sent us here."

The three girls yelped as a voice erupted from the shadows. "Because I want you guys to hold this lever."

Angelo barked happily and bounded over to Squall, sticking his nose into the teenager's crotch in merry greeting.

As the leather-clad youth smacked the dog's nose solidly, he snarled. "Go away."

Rinoa smiled merrily, skipping to Squall's side and clasping her hands behind her back. "Hold the lever? Why, Squall?"

Segregating himself from the shadow-plagued wall the trio had previously been using as a convenient backrest, Irvine sauntered forward and tilted his hat to the three women. "Because that lever held the chandelier during your first three jumps. We let go of it on the forth, and down you came."

Selphie stomped her foot solidly on the ground before thrusting her flails above her head. "THE END!"

Irvine screamed and dove onto the ground, holding his hat solidly on his head.

"Good thing we haven't unlocked limit breaks yet," Squall sighed in quiet relief.

Chuckling sheepishly, Irvine pried himself off the dusty ground he'd acquainted himself with. "You said it, Squall."

With a disappointed huff, Selphie crossed her arms. "Not fair," she whined. "Unlock the seal on that next!"

"Yeah!" Zell heartily agreed, punching wildly at the air as he jumped next to their valiant leader.

Rubbing his forehead, Squall groaned. "I'll do what I deem to be necessary to ensure success. Now hold the lever while we run across the chandelier to get to the room on the other side of that demolished walkway."

"Why didn't you simply suggest that we go there, Squall?" Quistis inquired, delicately tapping her chin with a long red fingernail.

"Because you have no junctions. If one of Ultimecia's servants is waiting on the other side of those doors, you'll be easy targets. We've got Guardian Forces and command abilities on our side."

"Yeah, and there's tons of monsters roaming around here," Zell chipped in, pressing his fists to his hips. "We don't want you guys in danger, alright?"

"Aw, how sweet!" Selphie squealed as she jumped on Zell and gave him a fierce hug, ignoring his squawks of 'leggo!'

"Let's go, guys," Squall ordered before lightly laying his hand on Rinoa's shoulder. "And you guys… stay by the green light, alright? It seems to be the most reliable means of communication we have."

"Sure thing, Squall," Rinoa cooed with a smile.

She watched with starry eyes as he marched away, her gaze set firmly on his leather-clad butt and her smile getting sloppy.

---)))000(((---

"Oh for Hyne's sake. What the hell _is_ this thing?" Irvine screamed as he shot wildly at the hovering crystalline monster.

Dodging with a cry when a beam of magic burst in his direction, he barely heard Zell shout, "Stop with the physical attacks! It's counterattacking! I'll take it with Meltdown."

Squall held his head as Zell was blasted right off his feet by the counterattack the creature walloped the martial artist with a few seconds later.

"Great. Now what the hell do we do?" Irvine whined.

"Simple. Stand back."

"Eh?"

Seconds later, Irvine was throwing himself straight off the balcony they'd found themselves on when they'd burst through the double doors that had laid on the other side of the chandelier, holding onto the railing of it for dear life while putting as much distance between himself and the apparently crazed gunblade wielder as he could.

Eden appeared in record time, blowing the monstrous purple crystal beast into the heavens.

As Squall reformed, Irvine hoisted himself onto the balcony. A scowl marked his lips as he nudged Zell's body with his toe. "C'mon, you disembodied voice. Just give us some damned Resurrection, alright?" he exclaimed even as it inquired which seal they'd appreciate having unlocked.

"Well, no item ability yet. Meaning we can't break out phoenix downs," Squall intoned.

"Fuck using up our items," Irvine bit as he put his palm on Zell's cooling forehead and forcefully yanked a Guardian Force out of the downed martial artist's head. "I'm going to smack him with Alexander's Revive as soon as we get attacked. We've got command abilities unlocked, as you recall."

"Good plan. There's toramas charging us. Short wait to get him back."

Hanging his head, the sharpshooter growled. "Fantastic. Just fantastic."

---)))000(((---

"I'm bored," Rinoa sighed, hugging her knees to her chest as she sat dutifully next to the green light as Squall had asked her to.

"Me too," Selphie chimed in.

Studying her nails, Quistis smirked. "Well, while we wait for the boys to contact us…."

"Slumber party?" Selphie quickly suggested.

With a devious wink, Quistis smirked and nodded. "Slumber party."

---)))000(((---

Three pairs of eyes stared with boggled confusion at the room they'd just entered.

"What the heck?" Zell intoned.

Having just made their way from the balcony they'd faced the gigantic Krysta and magic-wielding cats, crossing over the chandelier once again to run smack into a batch of red bats and marching to a room they'd bypassed quite accidentally to immediately face off with a vysage, they'd emerged into an art gallery.

"Look at this portrait. What does this mean?" Squall quietly muttered, staring intently at the framing surrounding the large picture that dominated the center of a huge, well lit wall.

"Don't know. I certainly don't read that language," Irvine huffed.

"Namely because 'Girls Next Door' never came out in it," Zell said with a smirk.

"Let's figure it out," Squall decided with a nod.

"Why?" the sharpshooter questioned. "Seems like a pointless waste of time.

"Getting to Ultimecia's last servant involved figuring out the chandelier puzzle. What if this is another puzzle for us to figure out?"

Zell shrugged. "Doesn't sound too far fetched."

Squall turned to face his companions. "So let's split up. Check the rest of these portraits. Maybe we can find similar words and figure out what it means."

Cocking back his hat, Irvine smirked. "I'll stick 'round here. Ya'll can shout the words down and I'll see if I can assemble it."

Zell fell to his knees. "Why are you so damned special? C'mon, man!" he growled.

"Not a bad idea. We'll do it," Squall said with a nod before turning to walk up the stairs.

Punching the floor, Zell sighed before hopping upright and marching off to the closest portrait he could reach on the ground floor.

Twenty minutes later, Irvine was holding his head and groaning. "Ignus for fire. Inandantia for flood. Iudicium for judgement. Intervigilium for sleep. Vigil is watchman, vividarium is garden, viator is messenger, venus is love. Xiphias is swordfish, xerampelinae is red clothes, xystus is tree-lined road and inaudax is cowardice. That doesn't help worth shit, Squall!" he shouted. "Three words are missing, and there's no way I can figure out what they're supposed to be just by looking at this stupid painting!"

"There's got to be another hint, neh?" Zell sighed, walking to Irvine's side and staring at the painting with his head tilted slightly.

Squall glared down at the pair before the painting on the ground floor, drumming his fingers on the railing that surrounded the upper story he alone occupied. 'There has to be something we're missing. Something… something… what the hell's up with the clock on the floor?' "Irvine," he shouted, "move three steps to the left."

With a shrug, Irvine did as the leather-clad teen replied.

"That's it," he muttered. "There's the answer."

"Great!" Zell shouted, waving a hand. "Mind sharing?"

"Clock."

Irvine glanced over at Zell. "Is he always like this?"

"Yep," the blond replied before turning his attention back to Squall. "What clock? Where?"

"On the floor," Squall answered. "The hands are pointing at eight, four and six, hours, minutes and seconds."

"Eight, four and six? The hell? Is it the order of the pictures?" Irvine asked.

"Roman numerals," Squall amplified.

"Still not reading you, Squall," Irvine huffed.

"Oh! Eight's a V with three I's, right? So… vividarium is the first word! And…."

Irvine snapped his fingers. "And an I followed by a V next, right? So…."

"No. Four I's," Squall shouted down. "Old numerals, not the newer ones."

Hanging his head, Irvine silenced himself as Zell cheered and pronounced, "then intervigilium, then viator!"

"So the answer's 'In the Garden Sleeps a Messenger,' eh?" Irvine muttered. "Hm. Weird painting to have in a castle dedicated to a psychotic Sorceress."

"Eh, Irvine?" Zell whimpered, poking the sharpshooter solidly on his shoulder.

"Hold up. I'm trying to figure out why she'd have such a picture here."

"Alright. Just trying to tell you that there's a monster behind us," Zell said with a shrug. "Big one. Looks like it's about to attack us."

"What the hell!" Irvine shouted as he turned on his heel, moments before he was pummeled by Trauma's Mega Pulse Cannon.

---)))000(((---

"Oh, I'm so completely jealous!" Selphie squealed, reaching forward with one finger to touch and poke the object of her playful avarice.

Rinoa nodded in agreement. "I have to pad to get that affect."

Quistis smirked as she lightly swatted Selphie's hand away. "Oh, come on. Yours are nice too."

"But they're so much smaller," she whined, looking down at her own chest and cupping her boobs.

"You certainly don't have the problems that I have because of them, though," Quistis gently said. "You don't get backaches thanks to the weight you're carrying on your chest."

Rinoa grinned and nodded. "Well, true. But boys like big boobs so much better."

"And it's so hard to get cute lacy bras like yours in my size!" Selphie chipped in.

With a slight smirk, the SeeD instructor shrugged and ran her fingers over her bra. "Well… I'll give that one to you. But you should be happy with whatever you've got. It doesn't really matter with the guys that count."

"You really think so?" Selphie asked.

"Of course."

---)))000(((---

The weary trio staggered through the door that opened after they'd managed to demolish the golden monstrosity that had appeared.

Wandering through, they collectively sighed.

"I'll get the right door," Zell volunteered.

"I got left," Irvine muttered.

Squall nodded, stationing himself beside the door with his gunblade primed and ready, the magic he'd unlocked the seal on dancing at the forefront of his mind.

After chopping three bite bugs out of the air, he found himself refraining from screaming as Zell informed him that the door to the right was locked solidly.

"Well, mine's open. I just don't like what's behind it," Irvine supplied.

Looking at one another, the SeeDs shrugged and walked into the room the Galbadian sharpshooter had vanished into.

The second Squall finished entering the chamber proper, the door slammed shut.

"Oh no way!" Irvine cried, immediately leaping onto the door and attempting to find a decent grip on it to pry it open once more. "This ain't happenin'. Tell me this ain't happenin'."

"Almost like she knew we'd do this," Squall muttered.

"Well, the key's right here," Zell said with a shrug.

"Ew. I ain't touchin' that thing," Irvine snorted, staring at the golden key dangling from the stiffened fingers of the chamber's last inhabitant.

"Chicken," Squall snorted, glaring at the other presence in the room.

Zell attempted to keep from laughing out loud as he patted the prisoner's leathery head. "It's just an old dead guy," he supplied. "Not like he's going to jump out and get you, Irvine."

"It's just rather disturbing," Irvine said with a slight shudder shaking his voice.

Grinning and shaking his head in disbelief, Zell wrapped his fingers into the chain that held the small golden key with its helpful tag labeling as the 'Prison Key' in their dead companion's fingers. Giving it a sharp yank and snapping the time-stiffened fingers straight off their corresponding hand, he spun that key in his fingers.

Squall was immediately pounded into the ground by the huge red-colored iron giant that appeared behind them.

"Crap," Zell whined. "Doomtrain, I know you hate my guts, but come some time this year, neh? C'mon!"

"I told you it was disturbing!" Irvine screamed as he hurriedly begged Alexander to be oh-so-kind as to bring Squall back to life after he'd managed to drag his mangled frame out of the crater it had made when mashed by a sword.

Even as Squall was wrenched from the glistening happy hunting grounds and forced back into the reality of life once more, Irvine was slammed into the nearest wall right before Doomtrain rumbled into the room and ran the giant red beast clean over.

Five minutes and an Eden summoning later, Squall was cursing at the floating disembodied voice to bring back their ability to draw despite Zell's screaming for unsealing limit breaks.

---)))000(((---

"Oh, trust me. Squall isn't one to care about big breasts," Quistis supplied.

"You really think so? He's just so closed off and quiet. There's no way to know what he's thinking," Rinoa sighed.

Selphie giggled behind her hand. "Sure there is! You don't notice, but it's easy to tell. Especially with all that staring."

Rinoa blinked her big brown eyes. "He stares at me?"

"Constantly!" Selphie gleefully chimed. "Like you're a giant-"

As Selphie squeaked the rest of her proclamation into the slender hand that had slapped itself into place over her lips, Quistis laughed softly. "Blessing in his life," she finished for the flail-wielding SeeD.

"You certain about that?" Rinoa asked, arching a brow and crossing her arms over her bra-clad chest.

Selphie swiftly licked the palm over her lips, quickly earning an 'ew, gross!' from the blonde instructor and the instant withdrawal of her hand. "Of course!" she responded to Rinoa seconds later with a brilliant grin.

"He's such a sweetheart," Rinoa simpered with joy.

"Yeah. Nothing like that dingbat Irvine. One moment he acts like he wants to get it on and do the nasty, and the next he's hitting on Quisty!"

"Oh, he's just doing that to get a rise out of you," Quistis said with an upraised finger stabbing the air to mark the importance of her proclamation. "Young boys often pick on the object of their affection. It's the way socially inept males show their love."

Rinoa snickered violently even as Selphie giggled.

"Don't worry, Selphie. I'm certain you're the one he likes the most!" Rinoa excitedly said.

Grinning, Selphie bounced her bottom on her heels as she knelt beside Rinoa. "I can't wait until this is all over. I want him to take me on a date. I wanna know what kissing him will be like!"

"I want that with Squall," Rinoa sighed softly. "His lips look so soft."

"Oh, they are," Quistis quietly intoned.

"EH? How do you know!" Selphie squealed.

Flushing furiously, the blonde shook her head. "Um, well…."

"Were you together?" Rinoa asked, her eyes huge. "Squall just doesn't seem the type!"

Ducking her gaze to her knees, Quistis balled her hands in her lap. "Well… I've been infatuated with him for awhile, you know?"

"What, did you kiss him when he was comatose after a fight with Seifer?" Selphie questioned, her eyes huge.

"Yeah," Quistis sniffed.

Both brows raised high, Rinoa quietly questioned, "Did he kiss you back?"

"Yeah," Quistis supplied. "Even unconscious he responds. Such a remarkable student."

"So, what's his kiss like?"

"Well, let me show you."

Selphie cheered, then cursed violently that she didn't have a Guardian Force junctioned to be able to utilize the item ability if it'd been unlocked to snag her digital camera.

---)))000(((---

"I'm so sorry," Zell sniffed, wiping tears and sweat from his face.

"Eh, it's fine," Irvine replied with a congenial smile. "I know how bad that stuff is."

"But I ripped off your head and punted it like a football!"

"Fixed the crick in my neck, though. And it wasn't like it went so far that Squall couldn't fetch it before Full-Life would lose its potency."

"Still-"

"Zell, shut it. I'm trying not to be soar about the fact that your tennis-shoes left their tread marks on my cheek by rationally recalling that none of us have resistance to Berserk right now and none of us were expecting Ultimecia to have rampaging malboros in her castle."

"…. Right."

Irvine sighed, rubbing the back of his neck before shouting, "Be careful, will you? We don't know what's below that bridge! What if it's a straight drop to the ocean?"

"Then throw some flowers in after me," Squall snarled as he eased yet another few feet out onto the perilously rickety bridge he'd spotted a key laying on. "Don't worry. I've got my footing."

"Still, I told you I should've been the one to go out there. Never send a gunblader to do a sniper's job, my Pa always says," Irvine snorted.

"You were the one bitching that you were still seeing tennis-shoes in your peripheral vision. So stop fussing and let me concentrate."

Many tenuous minutes later, Squall carefully lifted the key from its resting spot. "Armory Key?" he intoned as he read the words engraved into the device.

"Hey, I wonder if that's to that door we couldn't pass through before!" Zell chirped, his funk already shaken.

"Well, let's go find out," Irvine supplied.

---)))000(((---

"Mm. Nice," Rinoa softly cooed.

Selphie was staring with huge eyes.

"What is it, Selphie?" Quistis questioned, arching a delicate brow as her lips bowed in a red-painted smile.

"Well, it's… eh… heh heh."

"Never kissed a girl?" the blonde asked.

"Actually, no," Selphie said with a blush and a smile as she rubbed the back of her head.

"Well then," Rinoa breathed as she slid to the other brunette's side, "let me show you what it's like."

---)))000(((---

"That was the biggest, ugliest vysage I've ever seen," Irvine groaned as they made their way down the hallway.

Shooting the sharpshooter a glower, Squall huffed. "We know. You've said that at least ten times since we left the armory."

"Drop it already! We need to find this treasure vault the key in the fountain goes to," Zell grumbled. "Next damned monster that attacks us, pow! Kapow! Duel your ass! Yeah!"

As the tattooed blond danced around in place and punched at the air, Squall held his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose, almost regretting unlocking limit breaks after they'd successfully defeated Gargantua.

"Hey, check it. Door to the left," Irvine drawled, drawing him back from his land of vivid imaginings and Zell deaths at the end of a gunblade.

"Right," he answered, striding to that door in a few swift steps and thrusting the handily labeled Treasure Vault key into the appropriate keyhole. The door's latch clicked as he turned the device.

"Awesome! Let's see what's in there!" Zell exclaimed as he bounced into the newly unlocked chamber.

Irvine shoved his face over one of the boxes, staring. "Damn it all! Empty."

Shrugging, Squall set his hand atop the lid of the right-most box. "Well, it's not like it matters. If we need items, that's why we have Tonberry King and his Call Shop ability."

He was quite startled when the box he'd set his hand on drifted shut and the one Zell was before sprang open. "The hell?" he squawked in surprise.

"Empty," Zell whined.

"Neh, you think this is another of those annoying puzzles like the one in the art gallery?" Irvine suggested.

"One way to find out," Squall said with a shrug.

"So what, we're gonna close 'em all?" Zell brightly exclaimed, punching at the air.

"Open them all," Squall ordered.

Irvine shrugged, leaning against his box, watching as the one next to it opened as his own drifted shut.

"Oh, c'mon!" Zell snorted.

"Hm," Squall hummed before grabbing the lid of Zell's box and pushing it down. Everyone stared as the box Irvine had just caused to open closed again.

"Damn it! I didn't even get to look in that one yet," Irvine snarled, grabbing the lid of it and pushing it back open.

Thick mist flooded the room.

Then heavy breathing slid down their backs.

Turning, Irvine screamed. "HYNE ALMIGHTY! It's a behemoth on crack!"

"Great. Just great," Squall grumped as he quickly threw Aura over himself and Zell, leaving Irvine to scamper and throw himself into a box for protection.

---)))000(((---

"I wonder how the boys are doing," Selphie sighed.

"I'm betting they're alright," Rinoa said with a coy smile. "After all, Diablos says the ability to reach the items we have stashed in the Guardian Force's dimensional space is available now."

"You have Diablos?" Quistis questioned, her eyes springing wide. "Squall hasn't released that Guardian Force since he earned the demon's trust!"

Blushing prettily, Rinoa ducked her head. "He said he wanted to keep us safe. That's why I've had the Encounter None ability on since the moment they unlocked command abilities."

"Explains why the monsters we've been seeing in the shadows have been running away from us!" Selphie brightly chirped. "See, Rinny? He really does like you! Otherwise he wouldn't have given you Diablos. That's the second GF he ever got full compatibility with."

Her cheeks tinted, Rinoa smiled. "I know. He's so sweet!"

"So, the item ability's unlocked?" Quistis asked.

"Sure is!" Rinoa said with a grin.

"Well then, I know what we need," Selphie began with a sly smirk crossing over her glossy lips.

A few moments later, the underwear-clad girls were laughing hysterically as they beat each other with pillows and feathers flew errantly through the air.

---)))000(((---

The three young men panted as they eased their way up the winding stairs they'd found in the back of the cathedral they'd stumbled into.

"If I never see another tonberry in the remainder of my time on the planet, I'll be happy. Exuberant, even," Irvine groaned.

Zell shook his head before blinking owlishly and pointing. "Neh, what do you think's over there?" he asked, nodding towards a doorway cut into the wall across the deep chasm they were circling about.

"Hm. We can reach it if we jump on the bell," Squall suggested. "Hop to, Kinneas."

"Oh _hell_ no," he groaned.

Moments later, Irvine was clinging to the bell's rope with all of his might, his rather girlish scream reverberating loudly through the clock tower's interior. "You didn't have to push, you ass!"

"Get over there," Squall said, suppressing his smug smirk.

Grunting, Irvine did as asked.

Zell and Squall stared at one another as they heard him scream again. "Let's get over there!" Zell instantly suggested, leaping for the bell with all the grace he could muster.

Squall was hot on his heel, bounding fearlessly across the seemingly bottomless pit they'd been drawing a circumference about.

The next moment, he was staring at a huge dragon hovering in the air. "Holy…."

Irvine held his hat on his head. "Bahamut says that's his mommy. He wants to play with her."

"Let him," Squall bit, gripping his gunblade tightly even as Zell smacked him with an Aura. "Hopefully they parted on bad terms."

---)))000(((---

Selphie sighed as she looked at her deflated remains of pillow. "Now I'm bored," she whined."

"And we haven't heard from the boys in awhile," Rinoa added.

"Well, since they're so involved in whatever it is they're doing, why don't we go exploring?" Selphie suggested.

"But Squall said-"

"It will only be a few minutes," Quistis said, interrupting Rinoa's complaint with swift ease. "Let's do something with ourselves – if nothing else, we can wait by the stairs again. This location's getting rather old."

"Heck yeah! Let's go exploring!" Selphie brightly exclaimed before grabbing her jumper and shimmying into it.

After they'd dressed themselves, the girls wandered their ways back to where they'd started.

"What's in that room over there?" Rinoa asked, pointing towards the top of the staircase in the foyer. "I want to check it out!"

"Let's go, then," Quistis suggested. "It's not like we're going to be attacked any time soon."

"Oh look! There goes a ruby dragon. Nah nah! Afraid of Diablos, you silly monster? That's right!" Selphie giggled.

A few minutes later, they were staring at a long rope that that dangled from somewhere in the shadows that plagued the ceiling.

With a shrug, Quistis gave it a swift yank.

As the bell bonged thickly, the girls looked at each other and sat back down by the green light that was conveniently located next to that hemp length.

"Well, that was certainly dull," Quistis sighed.

"But at least it's a change of scenery!" Selphie supplied with a grin.

"True!"

---)))000(((---

"HOLY HYNE! What the hell is that!" Irvine screamed. "Squall, bring the lord of darkness! He needs to save my soul!"

"Can't. Rinoa has Diablos."

"…. What was that?"

Squall stared as the Galbadian sniper's left eye twitched violently. "I wanted her to have the Encounter None ability. To keep the girls safe."

"Squall, we're so going to have words after this."

The trio stared with rapt horror at the huge beast that held an eerie resemblance to the Ultima Weapon they'd faced off with in the bottom of the Deep Sea Research Center and obtained Eden from.

Then the duo of Squall and Zell stared as Irvine was instantly crushed by a Death spell.

"Fuck."

"You said it, Squall," Zell groaned.

---)))000(((---

"Geh… fucking hell. Rinoa? You still there?" Squall's voice wheezed through the circle of green light.

"Right here, Squall!" she brightly replied. "You want us to meet you?"

"Yeah," he gasped tiredly. "Find the clock tower. Come of to the doors. We found another one of those 'save point' things Ifrit mentioned. We'll wait right here."

"Right! We're on our way!" she giggled brightly.

Twenty full minutes later, the trio arrived next to the strangely colored glowing orb that was highly reminiscent of the one they'd seen at the castle's front steps.

"It's a good thing I didn't wear my heels," Quistis groaned as she tugged at the tops of her long leather boots.

"My nail polish is toast," Rinoa sighed.

"That's alright, Rinny! We can fix it later," Selphie responded quickly.

"Look, there they are," Quistis directed, pointing at the three young men that lay in a heap next to the double doors at the very end of the bridge they'd finally found the strange 'save point' orb upon.

Marching over, Selphie dug the tip of her boot into Irvine's side. "Why're you just laying there, lazy? Get up! We've got a Sorceress to thrash! A world to save!"

Groaning, the teenage boys stumbled to their feet.

"Right," Squall moaned, rubbing his forehead before looking to the doors.

'This is it,' he silently thought to himself. 'Ultimecia is here.

'Let's get it over with. Fight her now.'

_-end-_

-

So, love it? Hate it? Please review, and let me know what you thought. Flames are welcome – they keep me warm when I do my rainy night fishing runs. Mwe heh heh.


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